I feel like such a fool. All of these years I had tricked myself into believing that you loved me, that you were being faithful to me, and that I meant something to you. The truth was that you couldn’t even stand to be around me. Nothing that I did was ever good enough. You have said that I had nothing to do with this, and that I did nothing to push you away, but it still hurts. It hurts so deeply to know that everything that I thought to be true in our marriage has been a lie. I tried so hard all these years to make you happy, when you had really just given up on us being anything more than roommates and co-parents. Because you were feeding your own selfish needs, I was lessening as a woman and wife in your eyes…and you willingly let that happen.
How could you? How could you hurt our little family so much? I trusted you. I trusted you more than I have ever trusted any other person. Our precious little boys also trusted you… and that meant nothing to you. You left us. You lied to us and you left us vulnerable every day, every night, and so many weekends…for days at at time. You abandoned us for her bed. And for what? To feed your ever-growing selfish heart. Each time you left us, or chose yourself ahead of us, you pushed us further and further out of your heart…until you didn’t have room for anyone but yourself. How could you be so selfish to put your own wants ahead of your family’s needs – ahead of the needs of your children? You had what so many people long, search, and pray for- You had a family. We loved and adored you, but that wasn’t enough…was it?
Part of what kills me the most about your betrayal and affair is that all my life I worked so hard to stay pure for you. When I was 8 years old I committed to keeping not only my body pure for my future husband, but my heart pure as well. I was careful to not have crushes, to not concentrate on how cute a boy was, to not daydream what it would be like to date a certain guy…to not give any part of my heart away. When we married I never entered into conversations on who was hotter: Brad Pitt or George Clooney. I didn’t read explicit romance novels. I stayed away from movies, music, and friends that might compromise my heart and my commitment to you as my “one and only.” It saddens me to know that I may never know what it is like to be in a fully-committed, loving, trusting, and caring monogamous relationship. You were the one person that I gave my heart, love, body, soul and mind to…and you betrayed me. You gave yourself to another. I tried so hard – so very hard – to be the wife that you wanted me to be, and I tried to remain so pure for you. This truly broke my heart.
I watched you. I watched you closely after I told you about the first impending divorce. I gave you my reasons, and even though you acted sad, you seemed understanding of my decision. You said that you believed and had faith that one day God would bring us back together. You had faith that someday we would find healing, and that we would be a family again. You said that you were allowing God to change you. No longer did you put your own desires before others. You no longer acted proud, cocky, critical or selfish. You seemed to have true joy in your heart, even when faced with the destruction of your family unit. I watched all of these things very closely.
Quietly, oh so quietly, I heard the Lord’s prompting. He was showing me that it was possible that you really had changed. I felt Him nudging me in the direction of giving you and our relationship yet another chance. I heard the Lord asking me if I was willing to trust HIM enough to begin to trust you again. I came to realize that when we as Christians commit adultery against God, He doesn’t divorce us. If we repent and turn from our sinful ways, He enfolds us with His love and forgiveness. He reconciles with us, His beloved. Even though everyone around me was telling me to go through with the divorce, I did not have that “Peace that passes all understanding” about going ahead with it. I knew that I could do what everyone else was telling me to do, or I could do what God was gently asking me to do- work toward reconciling and restoring our marriage one more time. With all my heart, I meant those vows that I said to you on our wedding day. I had been completely committed to seeing our marriage through until death do us part. Those vows were things that I took SO seriously that even after all of the horrific things that you had put me through, I realized that I needed to try again. It was then that I decided to trust and obey. Trust that He would take care of me and our boys, and obey His promptings to accept you back, my prodigal husband.
This was the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do. This was harder than giving birth, harder than taking my boys and walking out, harder than kicking you out of our home, harder than being a single parent, harder than filing for divorce. Trusting the person that hurt me the most was nearly impossible. It was impossible, except for the Lord’s grace…giving me the strength to decide to forgive every minute of every day.
After I let you back into our home – slowly, ever so slowly, the old you began to creep back into your life. It wasn’t long before you were putting your own desires ahead of the needs of your wife and children. I didn’t want to believe that my world was crumbling again all around me. I desperately wanted our little family to walk through this fire, and come out on the other side hand-in-hand and stronger than ever. I had hoped that our story could help other couples in a similar situation, giving them hope for a life and love after a time of marital crisis such as our own. I truly desired for my family to be whole, and I wanted to be able to experience for the first time a Christ-centered, exciting, nurturing, and loving marriage.
For weeks I struggled with the realization that things were not improving, and that things were most certainly not going to get better. Once again, it was like existing in a hurricane – being tossed about by all of the hurts, emotions, stresses, and fears that come from a situation like this. I wanted so much more for my children. I wanted them to grow up in a strong, loving, peaceful, and Christ-filled home. I didn’t ever want them to know what it is like to be picked up and dropped off by divorced parents. I didn’t want them to know the pain of having to spend each holiday away from one of the parents that they love so much. I desperately wanted them to thrive in a stable home with two loving parents raising them side-by-side. Eventually I had my “burning bush” moment where I saw that “neon sign” that told me exactly what I needed to do. My boys are so much better off without you in our home. At this very moment, it is my only goal in life to make sure that they develop into strong, kind, caring, selfless, responsible young men – who are completely enveloped in Christ’s never-ending love. I want so much more for them than you can possibly give them right now. I hope and pray that one day you will be able to help nurture them in the same direction.
I cannot begin to express the relief and peace that has continually flooded over me ever since that day in June that I filed for divorce. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am doing the right thing, and this new-found confidence has done so much for me as a woman and mother. I am happier, healthier, and stronger than I have been in a very long time. No longer will I strive to find my self-worth as your doormat, but as the woman that God created me to be.
I am done – and this letter does not come from a place of anger or hate. This letter truly comes from a place of forgiveness and closure. I have released all of the hurt and pain that you have caused, and I really do forgive you…for everything. The Lord has held my hand through each and every moment of this terrifying ordeal, and I know that He will continue to help me on this new journey to healing. I hope that you will come to find true happiness, and that we can make the best out of this situation…for Camden, Aiden, and Quinn.